I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
