I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
