mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
