Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
