He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
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dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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