You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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