I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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