The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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