so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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