i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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