just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
