So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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