I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
