I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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