shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Boobs speak an international language.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
