I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
