Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
