The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
