So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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