Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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