I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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