Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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