Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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