i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
