she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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