You smell like stripper and shame
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
