my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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