Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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