I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
