screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
