Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
