I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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