i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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