Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
