i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
