I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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