I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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