I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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