Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
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he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
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That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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