The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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