lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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