Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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