While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
