my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
