oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
