Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I came so hard my ears popped.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
