I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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