Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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