All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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