You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
