I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
