Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My ass is underappreciated
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
