he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
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nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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