if only i could text you this smell
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
