the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
