my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
