Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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