Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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