You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
