I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
